Spencer Moseley

"I am disappointed in you," he admitted, arms crossed. He was hard to look at. His wife had encouraged him to get film treatment, where they encased your naked body completely in a film that was meant to de-age you. But the treatment was experimental, and did not work on his entire body. So while the skin beneath his eyes, for example, looked tight, bronze and youthful; one of his eyelids had escaped the film. The wrinkly lid partially blocked his vision and hung over his red eye, which was red from the lid's contact irritation. "I'm actually glad you said it out loud," said Alex. "I've been feeling your disappointment for a while, so weirdly it's nice to hear you say it.  His father said something so softly Alex couldn't hear it, and he hung his head low. Alex was pleased to see his sadness. Not because he wanted his dad to feel shitty, but because perhaps it was a signal of growth.  "So what now?" asked Alex.  "I don't k...

I think I'm just done living, I said. Not in a bad way though.  Well what's a good way? asked Nathan. He kinda chuckled lightly in a way that was soothing. I felt warmth emanating from his person.  Well how are you so chipper all the time? I asked. You don't seem down or gloomy.  We walked down the red carpeted hallway to an intersection at the... Hadn't we been in a hotel? I was in a planetarium. And Nathan was sitting next to me looking up as if nothing had happened.  What the fuck? I said, frozen.  Stay with it, he commanded. Don't acknowledge it. Talk to me. Keep talking. You were talking about being done living.  Right right, I said, brushing sweaty palms on my pants. I-I'm actually good.  Oh yeah? Why the sudden change of heart? Nathan's tone sounded accusing. That put me back in the present and I stared up at the ceiling as the Planetarium guide zoomed in on a star cluster.  So those are not stars, the guide was saying. Those are actually e...

He danced. And at one point it felt more like the music was moving him than like he was moving to the music. His necklace felt uncomfortable as the sweaty ends of his hair got caught in it as he thrashed around, but he hardly noticed. He had not felt this free in a long time. As thoughts of pursuing other girls subsided, all that was left was the music, occasional sips of vodka cranberry, and wondering what position the music would direct him to next. He swayed. He imagined girls being into his perceived carefree attitude. But I bet they can detect that too, he thought. Girls can always tell, huh. Then the DJ directed some bullshit line dance, and his rhythm broke. He felt discombobulated. He tried to keep up briefly through the first part of the song but to no avail. He panicked slightly too. But he calmed himself, remembering that the moment would pass and a better song would come on. Why did he panic so easily? he wondered. He shut his eyes and just swayed, knowing he must look sill...

I scoured the karaoke bar desperately searching for a hot single girl. There was a table of three girls and two guys, so perhaps one of them was single. That felt somewhat promising. I kept refreshing FB Dating and decided to spend ten minutes swiping. My friends were not on their phones so I felt guilty for being on mine. But I crushed that doubt remembering that nothing means anything and that we will all eventually die so who cares.  The table had lots of wet spots, and I didn't want to touch it since it was sticky too. I had already bought four green tea shots and I was slowly sipping a Gatorade-green margarita—so sugary I could not taste the Lalo Tequila I had spent extra money for.  I reminded myself what ChatGPT had told me. It said that looking for girls instead of being present is usually a less enjoyable time, and it was right. Damn that AI is good , I thought. So I tried to get back to the moment and turned to my friend to make fun of one of the singers. We had some...

It wouldn't be accurate to say they ignored Tim. They called Tim. They talked to Tim. But there was some force field limit. A wall that couldn't be breached, not unlike that giant bubble in Star Wars Clone Wars that kept out the invaders with their red laser bullets.  "How's work going, Tim?" They'd ask him.  "Oh it's fine," he'd say. And perhaps he'd go into more detail. Perhaps he'd mention a coworker who'd given him trouble. Or a new project that was tiring him out. But then this limit would come up whenever it drifted toward why his days were heavy. Like someone quietly turning a dial down. Not hostile. Just… less room. His lack of Christian faith seemed to sit there between them. And so any conversation that ventured into why his life was difficult was nearly off-limits. Not because his sibs would fight him on it, but because they felt his issues would be non issues if he simply returned to Christ. He had tried talking about ...

un. cer. tain. ty.  what a word. this encapsulates my whole life transition lately. i feel very much uncertain and anxious. i always have and i suppose i always will. i think on the positive side of this, i am very sensitive to others and myself. i can read people. i can see when i've taken a joke too far. i can tell when someone else has taken a joke too far. but the downside is a sickening anxious feeling in my stomach. i crave certainty. because to me certainty = safety. but safety also = boredom. so i've been trying to transition to seeing that sickening feeling as an opportunity for adventure. that sickening feeling is interesting for me. it can overwhelm my brain to where i can't process thoughts. it would be like driving and then all of a sudden a wall comes up in front of you on the highway and you crash. airbag deploys. driving halted abruptly. that's how waves of anxiety hit me. i can start to feel like taking my skin off. i pick at my nails to manage this fee...