un. cer. tain. ty.

un. cer. tain. ty. 

what a word. this encapsulates my whole life transition lately. i feel very much uncertain and anxious. i always have and i suppose i always will. i think on the positive side of this, i am very sensitive to others and myself. i can read people. i can see when i've taken a joke too far. i can tell when someone else has taken a joke too far.

but the downside is a sickening anxious feeling in my stomach. i crave certainty. because to me certainty = safety. but safety also = boredom. so i've been trying to transition to seeing that sickening feeling as an opportunity for adventure.

that sickening feeling is interesting for me. it can overwhelm my brain to where i can't process thoughts. it would be like driving and then all of a sudden a wall comes up in front of you on the highway and you crash. airbag deploys. driving halted abruptly. that's how waves of anxiety hit me. i can start to feel like taking my skin off. i pick at my nails to manage this feeling. i sweat. knees weak mom's spaghetti. 

i'm working on my own life philosophy to get a handle on things. i call myself unitarian and i'm exploring what this actually means in my heart. unitarianism is like a giant Sonic menu. i get so many options that i can be overwhelmed. but that comes from my own internal pressure to choose the "right path". i think growing up catholic with this constant thought that i was "doing the right thing" or "in the right vocation" was an unhelpful belief. and it's kind of hard to shake that idea. 

but on the plus side, now i can enter into my own power and choose my own life philosophies that build me up and work for me. one of my friends talked about witchcraft and how it relates to the passing of my grandmother. (side note: we discussed this while shouting at each other over loud club music on the dance floor lol. Shoutout to Barbarella's) and how death is necessary for life. and i loved this!! it was so neat! i want to be mister explorer boy and dive into these ideas more. and let myself be unsure if it's real, but follow my inner conscience/resonator.

to trust myself. oh what a nice place that would be. how do others do that?? huh??? seriously that's wild haha. i think i don't trust myself because i may be wrong. i may choose badly. i don't know why i don't think i'm capable of making the best choices for myself. perhaps i've just never believed i have permission to choose for myself. i'm waiting for some higher power to tell me "spencer, it's okay to follow your heart". or perhaps i've been so sucked into social media and constant noise that i'm not even listening to my heart as much as i need to. (almost said "as much as i SHOULD" which is kinda my problem). 

anyway i'm learning and growing and excited for where things are going. maybe uncertainty isn't my problem to solve. maybe it's my compass.