I wasn't really there

He bent over, unsure if he wanted to be there but already committed. It was immediate, no buildup. He moaned. Not with pleasure. But with what he'd heard others do in videos. It seems right, he thought, pushing the man's chest to where the man was now on his back while he did the riding. It wasn't bad, but he wasn't getting much pleasure from the experience. At least, not as much as the man was. He reflected that it might be nice to hop off and get the man an Uber right then. But that felt selfish. He allowed things to continue. Then he lay back and let the man finish on his stomach. Now that was unpleasant. 

The man kissed him, telling him how his noises had helped him get there. It felt like a pro sport post game interview. He nodded and smiled hoping it looked genuine. He didn't quite feel like he was in his body. Literally. He saw himself from the side of the bed and watched the man hovering over him, breathing heavily. He watched himself smile and could see from this out of body angle that his smile indeed looked fake af. Deep breaths. Back in body. He laughed internally as the man handed him a warm washcloth. He had offered that boon to girls many times and it felt odd to be on the receiving end. He cleaned himself up, and thank god the man had called himself an Uber. How doubly awkward small talk would have been now. The man must have sensed a vibe and did not go for another kiss. He walked out the door early to wait for his Uber, another telling sign he had noticed something was off. 

He took a shower, feeling like he was washing off sin but also something else. A dissociation from himself. It hadn't felt right. It hadn't not felt right either, but it wasn't what he liked with girls. It was just sex, he thought. Purposeless, neutral and devoid of emotion. He showered his stomach for a long time. That had grossed him out. Was he homophobic, he thought, or was he just not that into this shit. He giggled. Then he did a gay pose, extending his right arm overhead, bending the elbow, throwing his hips the opposite way. YAS. He could not stop laughing now. 

Hey, he thought. At least I had fun. 

He hopped out the shower and dried off and turned to his video games. He felt bad for not going outside to watch the stars like he normally did on Sunday nights. But the stars would still be there the next night, he reflected. Radiant as ever. 

He thought about that question from many different angles, slightly high from a blunt, slightly tired from new sex, slightly gay, slightly straight, slightly bi.