Love Above the Law

I'm feeling a lot of inner change lately.

The kind that makes you think and rethink and come to grips.
And loosen other grips.
And then grip again. That gorilla grip grip gripping.

I'm pretty sure this writing style is annoying.
No actually — I’m gonna be confident in it and just roll with this.
I've been practicing more confidence. Unleashing my inner self. That feels good. It feels aligned.

I haven't trusted myself. Maybe ever.
I've always felt a need to prove myself. And be something. To others.
Someone people looked up to. Looked at. Admired. Loved. Needed.

I want to be needed. Not really loved.
I don't think I've ever craved a lot of love.
Maybe that's ’cause I've always had love and taken it for granted — unlike some others less fortunate.
I feel bad for them.

But wanting to be needed perhaps comes from a deeper well of insecurity I'm uncovering lately.
I feel like I'm digging things up. Unearthing things. And it's painful.

It all started when my grandma died a couple weeks ago.
I could hear her voice in my head.
I could hear her talking to me and flipping those perfect little tortillas.

She was love. She was goodness.
Her love does live on in some way. The same way I feel a breeze in the trees overhead, I feel my grandma's love like fog as I'm driving.
And I'm okay with the fog not lifting.

Grandma is with me and a part of me now.
And perhaps that's the spiritual force awakening inside me.
Maybe she resurrected in some way in my heart now.

---

I still don't know what to do.
I still don't know if I'm more gay than straight or straight than gay.
Perhaps even that nagging pressure to find out is the problem.

But okay, let me be honest — my own internal shame is the real issue here.
That embarrassment. Those times I get hit on by guys who aren't cute and get so antagonistic only because I'm deeply uncomfortable with myself.

But okay — could a cutie hit on me too? lolololol.
I'm doing my best out here. Can you tell I'm uncomfortable? Is it that obvious?

I like girls too.
I'm so eager for girls not to think I like guys at their expense.
Like “hey I like them but you’re still on the menu too ya know?”
Gross.

I'm so grossed out by my inner thoughts so I'm putting them here for you, dear reader.
I like to think I'm a loving guy but also I feel so damaged or wrong.
I feel wrong. Like something that got messed up.

---

What the fuck is that feeling?
Why does it persist into my late adulthood — when others seem to move on with their lives so easily and I feel so left in my own personal darkness?

Still uncovering my inner secrets and demons.
Is this life? Is this all life is? Until death and I part?

I listen. I light a fire.
I come back to that warmth that makes my soul tingle with mirth and my smile burst into laughter when I'm with my friends.

And that’s when I'm alive.
Alive with the ones I love, exposing and expressing and loving.

This is the message of Jesus, huh?
Love above the law. Inner alignment with the divine.
With that force my grandma lived with. The force. The universe. The nothingness. The Buddha.

I can hear Tim Dillon’s “WE GET ITTTT” in my head.
What a guy, that guy. His last pod was meh. Don’t go after Billie Eilish, my guy.

That’s all.